Wednesday, 31 December 2014

Top Five Lists of 2014 and the Rest of Human History

Another Old Year has ended while a New Year begins, and although 2014 saw Western Culture have a collective nervous breakdown, we might just survive it.
            In times of change, it’s important to hold on to the things we love, and stop being so negative. As such, I won’t be doing any worst of the year lists, and will instead take inspiration from the Chris Rock movie Top Five, where innocent people are sometimes cornered and asked to name their top five rappers. I’m also taking inspiration from the comments section to Outlaw Vern’s review of said movie, where innocent people gave a lot of top five lists of different things without being cornered and asked. They just wanted to do so.
            So here’s a bunch of Top Five Lists. Let us read them and become better humans.

Top Five Rappers
Ice Cube
The Notorious B.I.G.
The Fresh Prince

Killer Mike
The Artist Formerly Known as Mos Def

Things to Say at New Year’s Eve Parties
“This is the best party I’ve ever been to.”
“Yeah, man.”
“I rock the party that rocks the vibe.” (I said this once at a party in 1998, but I think it’s because I misheard a song lyric.)
“Happy New Year!”
“Jammin’ on the one.” (There’s really no better time to try this one out.)
Popular Catch Phrases From the Motion Picture Jerry Maguire
Help ME help YOU.
You had me at Hello.
Show me the money.
You complete me.
Don’t ever stop fucking me!

Lo-fi ‘oos American Indie Filmmakers

Wes Anderson
Michel Gondry
Spike Jonze
Sofia Coppola
David O. Russell

Canadian Cities
I don’t really travel that much, but probably Vancouver

US Cities
New York City
San Francisco
The stretch of Hollywood where you can meet Spider-Man

TV Shows
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (at the height of my obsession, I wanted to live in Sunnydale)
The Simpsons (first ten years)
Twin Peaks
Beavis and Butt-head

Projectile Vomit Scenes in Movies
Stand By Me (I’m kind of traumatized by this scene and don’t fully understand it, but it’s the grossest)
Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life
The Witches of Eastwick
The Exorcist
Problem Child 2

Songs of 2014
Charli XCX, “Breaking Up”
FKA twigs, “Two Weeks”
Ariel Pink, “Not Enough Violence”
Chance the Rapper, “No Better Blues”
Phantogram, “Fall in Love”

Movies of 2014
The Grand Budapest Hotel
We Are the Best!
The Duke of Burgundy
The Purge: Anarchy

Filmmakers (English Language)
Steven Spielberg
Brain De Palma
David Lynch
Charlie Chaplin
Stanley Kubrick

Scenes of 2014
“When She Picks Up That Deformed Dude” from Under the Skin
“The Beach Scene” from Under the Skin
“Anyone for mush” from Grand Budapest Hotel
“Smaug Burnin’ Up Your Shit” from The Hobbit is Barely in This Movie
“Nocturnal Voyage to the Land of Eva Green” from 300: Rise of an Empire

Rock Bands
The Smiths
The Smashing Pumpkins

The Cinema of Chris Rock
AI Artificial Intelligence
Top Five
New Jack City
Pootie Tang

The Cinema of Gabrielle Union
Love and Basketball
Cradle 2 the Grave
10 Things I Hate About You
Bring It On
Uhhhhh, Bad Boys 2, I guess. Christ.


Soft drinks (also known as soda, pop, soda-pop, fizzies, or just Coke depending where you live… soft drink seems like the least offensive term in problematic times.)
Root Beer
Diet Coke
San Pellegrino Lemon

And Happy New Year!