Roger Ebert recently posted a list of guidelines for being a critic. These are his rules to live by.
It's an entertaining read, but Ebert is only scratching the surface. Some points, such as that critics shouldn't ask stars for autographs, have really no effect on one's reviewing capability, and are just about appearances. I don't care about that. Critics are free to act like sycophants, just as rock stars are permitted to snort coke off hookers. Let the work speak for itself.
A lot of his list seems obvious, but I like that Ebert points out how hyperbolic critics like to get. We should be careful when handing out words like "masterpiece."
I'll add some more. These are some of the words that I try to live by.
- Don't brag about how brave you are for watching a movie few people in your age bracket would generally go to. It's your job to keep up with movies, and most people envy your job. If you write about how when you went to see Pooh's Heffalump Movie by yourself, the parents all shielded their kids because they figured you were a pedophile, that's good. Just don't look for sympathy. Sometimes a day at a movie theatre is just like anyone else's office job. (Example: The AV Club: "I Watched This On Purpose," Ain't It Cool).
- Also, don't publicly complain about work conditions. Nobody feels sorry for Ebert and Roeper if there isn't an early screening of The Amityville Horror they can attend. I live in Halifax where I have to see most movies with paying customers after they're released. That is not the sound of me complaining. (eg. Ebert and Roeper)
- Never review a movie you haven't watched in its entirety. This is basic.
- Don't bash movies you haven't seen, even off-handedly. Any idiot can do that. The point of your job is that you're not supposed to be an idiot. (eg. Jeffrey Wells saying Pride and Glory was by far the best movie opening in its week when he clearly hadn't seen Saw V and High School Musical 3. Now, neither of those movies are that good, but I only know because I saw them. They're both better than Pride and Glory.)
- Have an open mind. Don't walk into Gigli planning to hate it. The more your prejudices rule you, the more you're irrelevant.
- Accept that "critical consensus" is swayed by hype. A critic should never use the phrase "that's supposed to be good" as a recommendation for a movie he/she hasn't seen.
- Understand that movies are artworks. I know that they're there to sell tickets, but it's not your job to look at them that way.
- Do not distinguish between highbrow and lowbrow art, you pretentious New Yorker wannabe. You should be able to recognize that there's more artistic merit in Resident Evil: Extinction than in Blindness.
- On a related note, important subject matter should not be mistaken for important movies.
- Stop worrying that a movie "doesn't know who it's made for." This is a marketer's concern, not yours.
- Nobody likes a hater. I make a conscious effort not to single out individual people for the reason a movie isn't working.
- Know why you're doing this job. Figure out what makes you different than the 500 other film writers out there. Have something to contribute.
- Know your subject. In the words of Armond White, "I'm not interested in the opinions of people who don't know what they're talking about."
- Know what the hell you're talking about.
- Have style. Memorizing these rules isn't going to teach you how to write.
However, I will give you the following three points:
-Don't write more than you think. This problem is huge amongst critics.
- Quit referring to stars you're not close friends with by their first names. This tends to sound dumb even when non-critics do it in conversation. "Oh, I loved that Dane and Jessica film, but thought Brad's new movie would have been better if they cast Angelina instead of Frances as his co-worker."
- Writing in cliche is a symptom of thinking in cliche. Avoid pseudo-intelligent phrases like "the fact that" when a "because" will suffice, and avoid backwards sentences like "explosions and nudity do not a good movie make."
- Be consistent. Don't pretend to suddenly hate Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull after the online community turns against it. Have some morals.
- Be honest. If your review of A Beautiful Mind ends with, "This movie taught me that schizophrenics are people too, and from now on I will always think about their plight," no one will take you seriously. (eg. A review of A Beautiful Mind that I once read. Author forgotten.)
- Be patient. Don't declare something "THE BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR" if it's still June.
- In fact, stop thinking of everything in terms of years. You just end up promoting the system that gets movies made so they can win Oscars.
- Realize that movies aren't invalidated simply because they're not tailored to your demographic. Case in point, IMDb voters who hate movies about sports and black people.
- Don't aspire to predict what people will think, or to reaffirm popular consensus. This forum has been given to you, not Joe the Plumber. Critics are being fired all across America because newspaper editors can just as easily hire the sports section guy to tell people what they think. I don't ask my dentist for opinions on sculpture. But every idiot thinks they're versed in movies.
- Remember why you liked movies in the first place.